The Quest Through Fanfiction
by cheneymacphisto
Summary: Link, at the whim of a magical shiny creature, is forced to journey through the numerous, challenging, and often frightening realms of fanfiction.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Our story begins as Link wakes up. This is always where the story begins. Always, always, always. If we heed no other part of canon, we shall heed this.

Link woke up. "Mghwrhf," he muttered, eloquently.

"Hey!" chirped a voice, entirely too cheerfully.

"Mmph?" Link muttered, rubbing his eyes.

"LISTEN!" it shouted.

Link managed to squint in its general direction, expecting a little glowing dot. Instead, he found himself staring at a girl of approximately fifteen, who, though glowing, was not the same thing.

"What the crap," he muttered, blinking.

"HI," she said, in all caps, "My name is Princess Rhianna Cassandra Ariella Guatemala Bolivia Argentina Florentina, but you can call me Mary Sue. I'm here to tell you all about absolutely everything! You're going to go on a grand adventure!" She giggled, clapped her hands together, and a shower of sparkles exploded into the air.

"No," Link mumbled. "Going to go back to sleep. Bad dream..."

"Teehee! No, you're not, silly!" she exclaimed. "You're going to journey through a variety of exciting and potentially dangerous lands as you search for... well, something," she giggled. "I'm not sure what! Anyways! On your journey, you will travel through the many lands of FAN FICTION!"

"The many lands of what?" Link said.

"Hee!" She giggled again and tossed her gleaming, sparkling, shining hair over one shoulder. "Every day you will travel through a different realm of fan fiction. If you survive them all, you win!"

"Win at WHAT?" Link said, irritated.

"Win at... life and coolness!" she improvised. "omg, let's totally begin! Are you so totally ready?"

"NO," Link said.

"That's too bad!" glittered Mary Sue, and she snapped her fingers.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Link found himself standing in the middle of a large crowd of teenagers. They swarmed around him, chatting and laughing and shrieking. Mary Sue stood beside him, clutching his arm very tightly. Mary Sue enjoyed this part very much.

"Where are we, why are we?" Link asked. "And WHO are we? And what am I WEARING?" He glanced down at his shirt, which screamed "HOLLISTER" back at him in all capitals.

"I'm Hollister?" he asked.

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Ugh, NO," she said, extremely put out about the whole thing. "That's the BRAND. Don't you know anything?"

"No!" Link said, "And I liked it that way."

"Ugh," Mary Sue said again, as if the whole thing hadn't been her idea in the first place. She pulled a sparkly notebook out of her purse and handed it to Link. The pages were filled with her scrawling, bubbly handwriting, always in glittery purple ink. "Keep this with you," she said. "The year is 2006. Your name is Link Forrester. You have supercute floppy hair, and people on Television Without Pity will henceforth refer to you as CuteLink, because even though HotLink is more accurate, it sounds goofy. You are a junior in high school. You're one of the popular kids, you're good at everything, you're the star quarterback of the football team-- " she fished around in her purse and produced a key ring "--these are your car keys. It is the shiny silver BMW in the north parking lot. This is your high school. You are dating Zelda, who is the head cheerleader." Mary Sue thought a moment. "I think that's everything. Your class schedule is in the notebook. Good luck!" She smiled brightly, and with a flash of her Crest Whitestrips-whitened teeth, she was gone.

Link stared.

"Crap," he said. He glanced down at the notebook in his hands. Three pink flowers on the cover smiled back at him. He opened to the first page and found a class schedule shining up at him. Link sighed and set about finding the first classroom on the list.

He turned to the first person he saw. "Excuse me," he said, "Could you show me where room 203 is?"

He was speaking a girl probably two years younger than he was. Her stringy brown hair hung in her face, except for her bangs, which were curled and sprayed a good four inches above her head. She wore an oversized t-shirt bearing the picture of a horse, a long denim skirt, and Nikes. She grinned up at him wordlessly, braces glittering.

And kept grinning.

And kept grinning.

Link waited.

She was still grinning.

"Ahh... room 203?" he tried again.

"Hi," she finally said, still staring at him. "You're really talking to me." She spoke in a hushed tone, overcome with awe.

"...yes I am," Link said awkwardly.

"I don't believe it," she breathed. "I'm in your class, but I don't think you ever noticed. I don't have many friends. I can walk you there. I can't believe you're talking to me." She started down the hallway, still dazed.

"So..." Link said, attempting conversation, "Horses? I have a horse."

"I LOVE HORSES," she fairly squealed. "I always wanted a pony and I never got a pony but I collect pretend ponies..." and she was off and running, chattering away unintelligibly, leaving Link to nod occasionally as they walked. Gradually he became aware of a different kind of chatter, a low murmuring that travelled all around him. Link looked around to see the halls completely empty, clusters of students staring at them from both sides.

From behind him came an exasperated cry of, "Ohmigosh! He SOOOO wouldn't dare!"

He turned around.

"OhmiGOSH!" Some strange reincarnation of Zelda was marching towards him, wearing a cheerleader outfit. "LINK, you SO are not talking to the Horse Girl! What is WRONG with you?"

"I had - she was - I... what is wrong with YOU? Who is the Horse Girl?" He was completely confused. He looked at Zelda, who offered no explanation but continued to glare. He scanned the crowd, who continued to murmur, until he caught the eye of a red-haired cheerleader, dressed in an outfit identical to Zelda's.

"I thought Malon was the Horse Girl!" Link exclaimed, pointing at her.

A hush fell over the crowd, and an indignant, "Oh no, you DIDn't," came from Malon, who turned angrily on her cheerleader-sneakered foot and stomped away.

"Link, you are SO TOTALLY dead," Zelda raged, shoving him up against a locker. "Talking to the Horse Girl is, like, social suicide!"

By this point, the much-discussed Horse Girl had run away into the bathroom, crying. The crowd stared at Link and Zelda. "UGH," Zelda huffed, sounding similar to Mary Sue. "Let me handle this." She turned to address the crowd, smiling brilliantly. "Teehee!" she said. "Don't I have like, totally the best boyfriend ever? Pretending to like that loser?" She grinned indulgently at them; at him.

The students nodded slowly, understanding, or at least pretending to.

"Show's over!" Zelda told them brightly. "Unless..." She smiled at the crowd, and, turning back to Link, slammed him against the lockers again, causing a mild concussion, and began making out with him.

A few moments later a bell rang, deafeningly loudly, above their heads, and Malon stuck her head out of a classroom door and said, "Oh em GEE, like, come on, you guys! Class is totally about to start!" She disappeared back inside.

"Psh," Zelda said, "Dork." And she strutted into the classroom. Link followed, gasping for air, and collapsed in a desk in the front row.

"Like, what's his DEAL?" Malon hissed to Zelda. "Like, the front row? LOSER."

"Psh," Zelda said, "At least he's MY loser." She smirked.

The teacher, who warrants no description whatsoever, instructed the class to begin taking notes. Link pulled out the sparkly pink notebook and glanced at it warily. He began reading.

"omg, like HIIIII!!!!1! Itz Mary Sue again! Just wanted 2 remind u, u have 2 act liek ur in hi skool! That means u hav 2 say things like "cool" and "sweet" and "totally" a lot, got it? also as u read this i am sekritly invading ur mind 2 make u fit in bettr, bcuz, who dosn't want 2 be poplar!!! rofl xactly k byez!"

Link stared at it, blankly, and felt strange. It was a mixture of dizziness, a pounding headache, confusion at this entire world which he had been thrown in, confusion at cheerleader!Zelda, confusion at kissing cheerleader!Zelda, confusion at _enjoying_ kissing cheerleader!Zelda, and the Sue's mindcontrol. He reached into his very trendy and metrosexual messenger bag and took out a pen. He put the pen to the paper. He began to write, the words flowing effortlessly, not thinking:

_Dear Sparkly Notebook Journal,_

_Hey! 'Sup? Well, today is another day of highschool. BORING! My hair is looking really good today, though. Zelda totally thinks I'm hot, and well, you know, Sparkly Notebook Journal, I don't blame her. She's pretty hot too. I'm so lucky to be dating the head cheerleader! Although the other cheerleaders are certainly not bad to look at... hmmm..._

_I'm in class right now and DUDE, it is so lame. I think maybe for lunch we will go to the mall and then skip classes for the rest of the day. It'll be totally sweet. I found these rad shoes there anyway, they're totally sweet! As if the ladies didn't love me enough already... heh, heh._

_Well Sparkly Notebook Journal, I guess I am all out of things to say. I have a pretty sweet life. I can tell everyone else here wishes they were me. Or they wish they were dating me. Or, you know, both._

_PEACE OUT SPARKLY NOTEBOOK JOURNAL. _

Link closed the notebook and slid it to the far corner of his desk. _What was happening to him?_ _What had he just _written? Fearfully, he lifted the cover of the notebook and peered inside. He saw the words "totally sweet" and immediately slammed the cover shut.

"Mr. CuteLink?" the teacher droned. "Is there a problem?"

"Ahh... no. There's... well...," Link thought. To be perfectly honest, this whole plotline was a problem. "Why am I here?" he blurted.

"To learn, Mr. CuteLink," droned the teacher.

"But - here - like this - in this," he flailed at the Hollister logo on his shirt, "With them," he flailed at Zelda and Malon, who were texting one another on their pink cell phones in the back of the room. The teacher stared, disinterested.

"I have a headache," Link finished, throwing his hands up resignedly. "I have a headache and probably a mild concussion, and... that's it. That's it." He felt hopeless.

"Go to the office and get some aspirin," said the teacher, with no personality and no emotion.

"Yes. Yes, I definitely will." Link grabbed the sparkly notebook, his metrosexual messenger bag, and fled. The door had barely shut behind him before Zelda flung her hand in the air and waved it around dramatically.

"Yes?" said the teacher.

"Like, I like, have to go to the bathroom," Zelda said.

"Oh em gee!" Malon exclaimed. "Like, me too!"

"Go ahead," said the teacher, who was more than ready to get rid of them. They squealed and giggled their way out the door. "LINK!" Zelda screamed after him. "Wait for us!" They ran to catch up with him.

"I want to die," Link said, and meant it.

"Hee!" Malon giggled. "Not yet, silly. That's another chapter." Link looked terrified. "Right now, let's go to the mall!"

"DUDE, I SAW SOME TOTALLY SWEET SHOES THERE!" Link suddenly exclaimed. Realizing what he'd said, his eyes widened in shock. "What's happening?"

"Umm... like... we're totally going to the mall!" Zelda squealed, and they hurried out to the parking lot. Zelda and Malon scurried over to a silver BMW - _my silver BMW,_ Link realized, remembering Mary Sue's explanation. He dug the keys out of his pocket. He put the key in the door. He unlocked the car. He opened the door.

"Like, that's so old school," Zelda said.

"I didn't know you could DO that," Malon said. "I always like, use the button."

"SHOTGUN!" squealed Zelda, diving into the passenger seat. Malon flounced into the backseat. Link hesitantly got behind the steering wheel.

"Okay," he said.

"Okay!" he said, more enthusiastically, staring at the dashboard.

Zelda and Malon exchanged curious glances.

"I... have no idea what to do," Link said. The girls giggled.

"Like, drive to the mall!" Zelda said.

"Nooooo!" Malon said. "Drive to like, Starbucks!" Zelda squealed with delight.

"Er..." said Link. Zelda reached over, put the key in the ignition, and started the car. Something in Link, some sense of teenage-boy instinct mixed with the subtle mindcontrol powers of the Sue, compelled him to shift into gear and slam his foot down on the accelerator. The car shot forward. Zelda and Malon squealed and giggled, as they often did.

"Dude, this is SWEET!" Link shouted against his better judgment. They sped into town, screeching to a stop in front of Starbucks. They got out. They went in.

"Ohmigosh, I _hate_ coffee," Zelda said.

"Ohmigosh, me too!" Malon said, as if it were an amazing coincidence. "Boo to coffee!"

"Isn't this a coffeeshop?" Link was confused.

"Two really big strawberry frappy-cino thingys," Zelda said. She pointed back at Link. "And whatever he wants. It's on him."

Malon was looking through the local paper. "Ohmigosh!" she screamed. "SALE!"

"SALE!" Zelda shrieked, so shrilly that neighborhood dogs began whimpering in pain. She and Malon began yelping and exclaiming over the advertisements.

"What would you like?" The employee was now looking at Link.

"Triple grande no whip soy caramel macchiato," Link said, resignedly.

Everything froze. The Starbucks employees ceased to move. The shrieks and giggling coming from Zelda and Malon quieted. Time stopped. Link surveyed the scene suspiciously. He turned around.

In the corner, something began to glow.

"Not again," Link muttered.

The glowing light grew brighter until Mary Sue materialized. She sparkled over to Link. "I never thought!" she gasped.

"I can tell," Link said.

"I had no idea you were so clever!" Mary Sue continued. "I thought it would take you at least a day. Heck, I thought it would take you at least more than a few hours."

"_What_ would take me more than a few hours?" Link asked.

"The next _chapter_," Mary Sue italicized back, taking advantage of the moment to put her arm around Link's shoulders. "When you ordered that coffee," she said, acting as though she was divulging a great secret, "You set the stage for the next _chapter_." She used italics again, because they were needed.

"What," Link hissed back, "is the next _chapter_ going to be?"

Mary Sue giggled and leaned closer to him. "I can't _tell_ you," she said, "But as soon as you drink that coffee, you'll find out! Teehee!" With a blinding flash of light, a shower of sprinkles, and a choir, she disappeared again and time sped up.

"Triple grande no whip soy caramel macchiato," the Starbucks employee handed the drink to Link. Glancing over at Zelda and Malon, who were now chomping on large wads of gum and chattering on their cell phones, he took a sip.

Everything went black.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Link woke up facedown in the middle of a field. The grass was orange. It tasted like blueberries. He rolled over and gazed into a purple sky. A dark sense of foreboding crept across the landscape, spied Link, and took hold of him. Something was not right.

Link sat up and looked around. Orange grass as far as he could see. He absentmindedly began pulling up blades of it. He felt strange. He felt weird. He felt odd. He felt sick. He felt many things, but most of all, he felt like he wanted to cry. This was new. It was not an option he had ever previously considered, but at the moment, it was very appealing.

"NOT YET!" a voice shouted in his ear.

"GAH!" Link jumped. "Don't DO that!" He spun around to face a young girl. She appeared to be about thirteen years old. Her blond hair was streaked with black and pink and pulled into three messy ponytails, which gave her head an interestingly unbalanced look.

"Sorry," she said, grinning crazily. "Sometimes I can be PRETTY HYPER!" She began hopping up and down. "AND I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD SUGAR YET TODAY!" Her right foot wore a pink Converse shoe. Her left foot wore a flip flop.

"That's... very healthy of you," Link said, lacking a better response.

"I DON'T NEED SUGAR!" she shouted, spinning round in a circle. "ISN'T THAT WEIRD? ISN'T THAT FUNNY?"

Link would have replied to this, but no matter how hard he thought, he could think of nothing to say. He thought long enough that to say something would have been more awkward than remaining silent, and so, he remained silent.

"MY NAME'S CARI!" the girl proclaimed, coming to a stop in front of Link. "All my friends think I'm TOTALLY WEIRD AND RANDOM. ISN'T THAT FUNNY?" She looked up at him, eagerly.

Link thought about this. _If it was funny_, he thought, _I would be laughing. I am not laughing._ "No," he said finally, and honestly. "I don't think it is funny."

Cari looked at Link quizzically for a moment. He shrugged, rather apologetically, and managed a halfhearted smile. This was all Cari needed. "I LIKE CHEESE!" she proclaimed, and burst into hysterical giggles. She laughed for quite some time, and finally, catching her breath, turned to Link for approval. "Isn't that SO weird?" she said eagerly.

Link shrugged. "Lots of people like cheese," he said. "That's not so strange."

"I'M STRANGE!" Cari shouted. "My friends are strange, too! You have to meet my friends. Come on!" She grabbed Link's hand and fairly dragged him across the brightly colored landscape.

They passed a number of buildings. "That's the llama repair shop," Cari said, "And the cheese manufacturer, and the mongoose emporium." After each declaration, she looked hopefully at Link. "Don't you think that's crazy?"

"I... ah... well," Link said. "No? I guess not. This whole day has been pretty crazy," he said.

"CARI!" a voice shouted. Another girl, approximately Cari's age, was approaching them. She carried two packages of Pop Rocks. "LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT!" she said.

"SUGAR!" Cari exclaimed, as though she were the first person to ever experience such a substance. She grabbed her share of the Pop Rocks, ripped open the package, and dumped them in her mouth.

"I get crazy when I have sugar," Cari mumbled, around a mouthful of exploding candy.

"I don't think that candy can do that much to you," Link said logically. "Aren't you overacting just a bit?"

"NO!" laughed Cari, managing to spit Pop Rocks all over him. "This is how I REALLY AM when I have sugar. AND coffee. It makes me CRAAAZY." She giggled, choked, and began coughing.

"OH NO," YELLED her friend, "DRINK SOMETHING QUICK!" She shoved a can of Mountain Dew into Cari's hand.

Cari coughed, swallowed, took a sip. Wiping her eyes, she grinned at the can. "ALL RIGHT!" she exclaimed. "CAFFEINE! I get SO HYPER when I have caffeine! I get EVEN MORE RANDOM!" She began laughing hysterically. "WHAT ABOUT YOU?" she shouted at Link.

"What about me?" he wondered.

"DOES CAFFEINE MAKE YOU HYPER?" Cari YELLED.

"Not really," Link said, recalling the coffee he'd had in the previous chapter. "I feel about the same."

"That's CRAZY WEIRD," Cari said.

"No," Link said flatly, "You are."

Cari squeed. "I KNOW!"

"It wasn't... really a compliment," Link said.

The sky darkened. This, unlike most things in this world, truly was random in its proper sense. Link glanced up, confused. He looked back at Cari. Her entire countenance had changed. Her eyes flashed red. She scowled. Her ponytails seemed to droop.

"WHAT did you say?" Cari growled.

"I didn't mean it as an insult, necessarily," Link explained. "It is just... what... is. And it's not necessarily best. It's not exactly flattering or something to take pride in. Especially when it's as over-the-top and fabricated as it seems to be. Nobody is really like that. And everyone tries to be. So it's not real, and it's not original, which are the two things you want it most to be." Link was feeling very pithy and wise.

"I HATE YOU!" Cari burst into tears. "I HATE you, do you hear me? You're SO MEAN." She collapsed to the ground and buried her face in her hands. She sniffed. Between sobs, she peered up at Link through her fingers. He stared wordlessly down at her.

Cari's friend was watching Link impatiently. "Well?" she finally said, after a few moments. "Aren't you going to apologize?"

"No," Link said honestly.

"LOOK," Cari's friend said, trying to be the peacemaker, "You have to understand that this is a _girl thing_."

"I don't know," Link said. "I wanted to collapse on the ground and cry a while ago. Still do, in fact."

"NO," snapped Cari's friend, angry that he might try to steal her thunder and entitlement to emotional outbursts, "This is more of a PMS thing, if you get what I mean. DO YOU HAVE CHOCOLATE!" she YELLED.

"No," Link said. "And no."

"What's the second no for?" demanded Cari's friend.

"The second no is the no that says no, this is not a 'PMS _thing_.' This is a whining teenage girl demanding attention and throwing a fit when it isn't given to her. Okay? _That_ is what this is. She cannot blame her complete lack of maturity and... and... social skill on her gender. She can make a choice," Link continued, vehementally, "to have some control over her actions. And you both are bloody annoying. Screw this, I'm done." He turned and stomped away, leaving Cari and her friend to stare after him in shock.

"BOOKSHELF!" Cari screamed angrily after him.

"ARKANSAS CEILING FAN SCARF!" her friend added.

Link continued to stomp all the way into the deep, dark woods at the edge of the orange field.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The woods grew deeper and darker, as deep, dark woods will often do. Link did not notice this initially. He did realize that he was his frustration was slowly giving way to an overwhelming sense of sadness. He kept glancing down at the ground. It looked so welcoming. He wanted to lay down and cry, but fought the temptation to do so.

It was somewhere around the middle of the deep, dark woods that Link began hearing the voices. They started out with mild accusations - _Cari hates you!_ - that were almost comforting. If Cari had not hated him, surely he would have been doing something wrong. After all, did he really _want_ her approval? Gradually the voices grew more intense - _Cari and Cari's friend hate you. Cari and Cari's friend and Zelda all hate you. Cari and Cari's friend and Zelda and everyone you've ever met hate you._

By the time the voices began hauntingly declaring that everyone in the tri-county area hated him, Link had just about had enough. "WHAT is going ON?" he demanded, intermittently capitalizing for emphasis, because he meant it that way.

Nothing answered. Not the voices, not Mary Sue. Where _was_ Mary Sue? Link never thought he would wonder such a thing, but then, nothing had been normal for quite some time. Shouldn't she be around to explain the premise of the next chapter? After all, he had managed to walk into the next chapter while fleeing the self-proclaimed random girls.

"Mary Sue," he said tentatively.

_Mary Sue hates you_, said the voices.

_If only_ _that were true,_ Link said back to them, in italics.

_Mary Sue has left you a gift,_ said the voices. They threw an iPod at him.

_Nothing about this isn't creepy, _Link italicized, picking up the iPod. _What's this?_

_Press play,_ said the voices. Link pressed play. He was surrounded by melodic whining... and... glitter?

"TEEHEE!" Mary Sue giggled, waving from the iPod screen. "I'm down here! GUESS WHERE YOU ARE," she sang.

"Somewhere terrible," Link said hopelessly.

"Hee! Yes!" Mary Sue clapped her hands. "Exactly! Isn't it SO wonderful? For this chapter, you get to be emo and angsty!"

"Whyyyyyy," Link whined. "WHY ME. I HATE MY LIFE."

"Good JOB," gushed Mary Sue. "You're getting the hang of things already! Just a few words of wisdom. If you feel yourself getting TOO happy or optimistic, I've loaded this iPod with hours full of emo music. Just listen to it and cry, and be sad again!"

She vanished.

Link felt sad. He felt misunderstood. He felt like everybody hated him, and he had no friends, and no one understood his pain.

"I hate my life," he whined, and began to cry. He lay down on the ground and clutched the iPod and sobbed. The iPod understood. No one else did. The iPod was his friend. Its shiny surface gleamed up at him in comforting manner. The iPod didn't hate him.

_Even though everyone else on the continent does,_ said the voices.

"I know," sobbed Link. He scrolled through the list of songs on the iPod, finally deciding on Dashboard Confessional. He curled up on the ground and cried. He fell asleep. He dreamed of Mary Sue.

"This won't do," she said. "This won't do at all." She frowned thoughtfully, and looked even more sparkly and beautiful and perfect for it. She sighed dramatically. "I guess it must be done."

"What must be done?" Link asked.

"I'm going to have to cast a spell on you," she said, attempting to sound regretful and failing. "After all, I AM a witch. I went to Hogwarts. Harry Potter is my twin brother, and I'm pregnant with Draco Malfoy's child. Anyway, this spell is necessary for you to experience the next stage in your journey to its fullest. When you wake up, you will be... different," she said vaguely. "And you will be in the first person. 'Kay, BYE!" She showered him with sparkles and disappeared.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

_Suffering_. I awoke with the word reverberating in my head. It was an apt description of my pathetic existence. Who was I kidding? Hero of _Time?_ More like maybe hero of thirty seconds on a good day. I was a failure. At everything. The fact that people thought otherwise was just proof of my learned skill. I had become quite adept at hiding my pain. And oh, what painful pain it was.

I stared at the dark sky, as if the stars themselves could shine down on me and provide me with an answer. They didn't, of course. The stars themselves stopped talking to me long ago, as they knew I was nothing more than a failure. I had never really had any friends, I realized. Zelda wasn't; Zelda was gone, if she wasn't dead somewhere (this was most likely) she was still in Starbucks as a cheerleader, and that was perhaps worse.

The woods seemed to grow deeper, darker, and colder. I shivered. What was the point in living? I had nothing for which I should live. Nothing was worth my time, and clearly, I was worth no one else's time. Everything in me hurt, like a very hurtful thing, dark and cold and oppressive.

I was still lying on my back staring at the mute stars; I sat up now and surveyed the deep, dark woods into which I had wandered. I had the iPod that had been so graciously bestowed upon me by Mary Sue. I turned in on and slowly looked through the list of melodic tunes, longing for one that could ease the pain that was gnawing away, hamster-like, at my very soul. I stumbled across an Evanescence album, pressed play, and wept.

I stared at the blades of grass. They were so sharp, so green, so perfect. Like the razor blades that had stabbed into my soul and were now shredding it to bits... except those weren't green. Those were black, black as the darkest night, black as the starless sky (for the stars to which I had so beseechingly looked for an answer had vanished, the final participants in the parade of people who had turned their back on me), black as the hoodie I had bought at Hot Topic.

I determined that if I ever got out of this forest, I would gauge my ears. Really huge. Big enough to fit a small rodent through, at least.

A wave of depression overtook me upon the thought of this plan. I would never get out. Any attempt to do so would only leave me hopelessly lost. Why could I do nothing right? The thought made me even sadder. The depression was heavy, tangible. It hung in the air heavily, choking me, cutting off my circulation, poking at me occasionally and jumping back with a giggle when I lashed out at it. I hated it, and I hated myself. I hated myself for being depressed, for being weak. I grew depressed about this realization. Each bit of depression caused me to grow even more depressed about the very fact that I was depressed. There was no escape. Even if there had been, I had no motivation to try and find it.

My hair fell angstily over one eye.

I thought of Zelda. I wanted to think of the good times, of the happy memories, but there were none. The reality of the situation was that she likely had no idea I existed, and if she did know, she didn't care. If she didn't know, she didn't care either, and if she ever were to find out in the future, she would be so filled with hatred and loathing that she would yearn for the blissful days of ignorance. I loved her despite all this, of course, and I couldn't blame her for her hatred of me, because I was, after all, a failure.

The answer came unexpectedly.

I was thinking about death when it arrived. I wasn't thinking good thoughts about death, for I was incapable of thinking good thoughts about anything. I had been dwelling on the elusive memory of the parents I had never known. In my mind they had not died; in my mind, I had had a happy childhood with them, until they began beating me. They were not abusive; I deserved it. I continued along this twisted and dark path until I remembered that it had not really happened, that, like so many other aspects of my life, it was a lie, and they were dead.

_Dead_. The word was beautiful. Symmetrical. Four letters, beginning and ending with a D, and two vowels in the middle. I traced the letters in the dirt with my fingertip. I unsheathed my sword and traced them into my arm with the blade. This was difficult; it was heavy, it was awkward to hold at such an angle, and my arms were not long enough to allow me to carve the word into my skin without grasping the actual blade. And so I grasped the actual blade, and did so that way. I was in no position to be picky. The deep gashes left on the palm of my writing hand only soothed my pain more, as I watched the blood spill from my arm like cherry syrup on a Sno-Cone.

Come to think of it, I had always liked the look of strikethrough text.

This was not enough.

I took the blade and drew it along my wrist, slicing a neat line through the word "dead." Blood poured out. I laughed, for the first time in months. I played a little tic-tac-toe game on the back of my hand as my arm continued to bleed all over the forest floor. I was losing (for I can't even win a tic tac toe game against myself) when I began to grow dizzy, and everything went black.


End file.
